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Archive for the ‘Family and Relationships’ Category

Golf Panties

The Swede’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

“God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies? ” Ole demanded. “Well” she said, “you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.”

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s a $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”

Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

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“Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not? ” She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.”

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s a $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

“Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?” She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.”

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb…. Tidy yerself up a bit.”

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You have to love the Scotsmen!

Lizard Birth

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

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Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.

Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

Hes just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m Serious, Dad. Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

Honey,I called, “come look at the lizard!”

Oh, my gosh!”  my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”

“What?”  my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,”  I said accusingly to my wife.

Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”  she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

No, but you were supposed to get two boys!”  I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

Yeah, Bert and Ernie!”  my son agreed.

Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,”  she informed me (again with the sarcasm)!

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,”  I announced. We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.

Oh, gross!”  they shrieked.

Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?”  my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

We don’t appear to be making much progress,”  I noted.

“It’s breech,”  my wife whispered, horrified.

Do something, Dad!”  my son urged.

Okay, okay.”  Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

Should I call 911?”  my eldest daughter wanted to know. “Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.”  (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

Lets get Ernie to the vet,”  I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

Breathe, Ernie, breathe,”  he urged.

I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,”  his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean, what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

What do you think, Doc, a C-section?”  I suggested scientifically.

Oh, very interesting,”  he murmured. Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

Is Ernie going to be okay?”  my wife asked.

Oh, perfectly,”  the vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.”  He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

So, Ernie’s just…just…excited,”  my wife offered.

Exactly!”  The vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Whats so funny?”  I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. “It’s just that . . . I’m picturing you pulling on it’s . . its. . . teeny

little”  She gasped for more air bellowing in laughter once more.

Thats enough,”  I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad,”  he told me. “Oh, you have NO idea,”  my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s tiny winkie.

Pricele$$!

Silly Smilies

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

Aside

Marriage Isn’t For You

Seth Adam Smith

Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.

Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.

I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. 🙂 I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.

Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?

Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.

Perhaps each…

View original post 594 more words

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Kid Talk

Kids can be so funny!

in and out

 


Lost grandpa

 


Bitch to Iron

 


big sissy

 


barber chair

 


AHorse Story

Never Lie To Your Mom

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER

You don’t even have to be a mother to enjoy this one…

silver ladle

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Brian’s roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian’s mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, Brian volunteered, ‘I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.’

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, ‘Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.You don’t suppose she took it, do you?’

Brian said, ‘Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure”.

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Jennifer, I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

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LESSON OF THE DAY – NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

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Friends are Treasures

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Friends are Treasures

And That’s How the Fight Started

clip artMan and Lady Talking

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…

The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…

My wife and I are watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’

So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’

And that’s how the fight started…

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’

I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary…

She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, ‘Do you know him?’

‘Yes,’ She sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend… I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ I said, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

Very Angry Smilie

I rear-ended a car this morning…So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’

So, I looked down at him and said,

‘Well, then which one are you?’

And that’s when the fight started…

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’

He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

And that’s when the fight started…

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf.

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.’

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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