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Posts tagged ‘Funny’

Golf Panties

The Swede’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

“God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies? ” Ole demanded. “Well” she said, “you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.”

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s a $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”

Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

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“Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not? ” She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.”

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s a $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

“Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?” She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.”

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb…. Tidy yerself up a bit.”

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You have to love the Scotsmen!

Video

Dogs in Boots

Video

Funny Cats In Water

Lizard Birth

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

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Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.

Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

Hes just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m Serious, Dad. Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

Honey,I called, “come look at the lizard!”

Oh, my gosh!”  my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”

“What?”  my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,”  I said accusingly to my wife.

Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”  she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

No, but you were supposed to get two boys!”  I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

Yeah, Bert and Ernie!”  my son agreed.

Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,”  she informed me (again with the sarcasm)!

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,”  I announced. We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.

Oh, gross!”  they shrieked.

Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?”  my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

We don’t appear to be making much progress,”  I noted.

“It’s breech,”  my wife whispered, horrified.

Do something, Dad!”  my son urged.

Okay, okay.”  Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

Should I call 911?”  my eldest daughter wanted to know. “Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.”  (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

Lets get Ernie to the vet,”  I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

Breathe, Ernie, breathe,”  he urged.

I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,”  his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean, what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

What do you think, Doc, a C-section?”  I suggested scientifically.

Oh, very interesting,”  he murmured. Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

Is Ernie going to be okay?”  my wife asked.

Oh, perfectly,”  the vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.”  He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

So, Ernie’s just…just…excited,”  my wife offered.

Exactly!”  The vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Whats so funny?”  I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. “It’s just that . . . I’m picturing you pulling on it’s . . its. . . teeny

little”  She gasped for more air bellowing in laughter once more.

Thats enough,”  I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad,”  he told me. “Oh, you have NO idea,”  my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s tiny winkie.

Pricele$$!

Silly Smilies

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

Passport Letter

ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT BACK TO STATE DEPARTMENT

Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir:

I’m in the process  of renewing my passport  and still cannot believe  this.

How  is it that Radio Shack has my address  and telephone  number and  knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago),  and yet, the Federal  G overnment is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?  Ever heard of computers?    My birth date you have in my social security  file. It’s on EVERY income tax form I’ve filed for the past 40 years. It’s on my Medicare  health insurance card and my driver’s  license,  it’s on  the last eight damn passport s I’ve had, It’s on every stupid customs declaration  form I’ve had to fill out before being allowed   off the plane for the last 30  years.

And it’s on all those census forms that we have to do at election  times.

Would somebody  please  take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’m reasonably  confident  that neither name is likely to change between  now and when I die.

Between  you an’ me, I’ve had enough of th is bureaucratic  bullshit! You send the application  to my house, then you ask me for my #*&#%*& address.

What is going on?  You must have a gang of Bureaucratic  Neanderthal Morons working there! Look at my damn picture.

Do I look like Bin Laden?  And “No,” I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes.   I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken  or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because  I have to go to the other end of the city and get another

#*@&#^@*@&  copy  of my birth certificate  to the tune of $100.

Would it be so difficult  to have all the services  in the same area so I could get a new passport  the same day? Nooooo,  that would require planning and organization.

And it would be too logical  for the @&^*^%@%  government.

You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens  with our heads cut off.  Then, we have to find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me in the damn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed  to smile…….Hey, you know why we can’t smile?

We’re totally pissed  off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me?  Well, my fam ily has been in the United States of America since 1776.  I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security  clearances  up the ying yang.  However,  I have to get someone important to verify who I am – you know someone  like my doctor……..WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED INDIA!

And you assholes want to run our health care system?????

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This is forwarded email. I have not checked if this a true story. I’m sharing it because I think its funny. I also think it would be kinda cool if it was a real letter that was sent in to the State Department by somebody. Don’t you agree?

Smilie

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