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Posts tagged ‘Lizard’

Lizard Birth

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!


Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.

Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

Hes just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m Serious, Dad. Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

Honey,I called, “come look at the lizard!”

Oh, my gosh!”  my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”

“What?”  my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,”  I said accusingly to my wife.

Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”  she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

No, but you were supposed to get two boys!”  I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

Yeah, Bert and Ernie!”  my son agreed.

Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,”  she informed me (again with the sarcasm)!

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,”  I announced. We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.

Oh, gross!”  they shrieked.

Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?”  my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

We don’t appear to be making much progress,”  I noted.

“It’s breech,”  my wife whispered, horrified.

Do something, Dad!”  my son urged.

Okay, okay.”  Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

Should I call 911?”  my eldest daughter wanted to know. “Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.”  (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

Lets get Ernie to the vet,”  I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

Breathe, Ernie, breathe,”  he urged.

I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,”  his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean, what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

What do you think, Doc, a C-section?”  I suggested scientifically.

Oh, very interesting,”  he murmured. Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

Is Ernie going to be okay?”  my wife asked.

Oh, perfectly,”  the vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.”  He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

So, Ernie’s just…just…excited,”  my wife offered.

Exactly!”  The vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Whats so funny?”  I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. “It’s just that . . . I’m picturing you pulling on it’s . . its. . . teeny

little”  She gasped for more air bellowing in laughter once more.

Thats enough,”  I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad,”  he told me. “Oh, you have NO idea,”  my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s tiny winkie.


Silly Smilies

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!


A Koala and the Lizard

A Koala Bear

A Koala was sitting in a Gum Tree smoking a joint…when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, ‘Hey Koala! What are you doing?’

The koala said, ‘Smoking a joint, come up and have some.’

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.
A Lizard

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was ‘dry’ and he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, ‘What’s the matter with you?’

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell  into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out  and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.

The crocodile looked up and said, ‘Hey you!’

A Crocodile

So the koala looked down at him and said,

‘Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude…

How much water did you drink?’

A Koala Bear

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