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Posts tagged ‘Jokes’

Golf Panties

The Swede’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

“God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies? ” Ole demanded. “Well” she said, “you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.”

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s a $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”

Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

Irish.png

“Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not? ” She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.”

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s a $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

“Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?” She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.”

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb…. Tidy yerself up a bit.”

Scottish.png

You have to love the Scotsmen!

Questions for Tarzan

I was at the store yesterday, and I ran into Tarzan!

I asked him,”how it was going and if he was making any more movies.”

Tarzan and Jane

He told me, “me no longer make movies, me have severe Arthritis, both shoulders, and not swing from vine to tree”.

vines

I asked how Jane was doing? He told me, “Jane in bad shape, in nursing home, has Alzheimer’s and not recognizes anyone”. How sad!

tarzan and family

I asked about Boy,
And he told me “Boy, gone big city, get with bad women, on drugs and alcoholic; and only time hear from him, when in trouble or need something”.

Tarzan with animals

I asked about Cheeta, he beamed and said, “Cheeta do good. She marry lawyer, had plastic surgery, now live in White House!!!

cheeta m obama

cheeta 1

I know, something bad is going to happen to me!!!!!!!!!!

Blonde Jokes

DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland.
They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said,
Disneyland LEFT.
They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other,
‘Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?’
The other blonde turns and says,
‘Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????’

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic, ‘it died.’
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, ‘What’s the story?’
He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor’
She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff,
‘I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!’

RIVER WALK
There’s this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank
Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts, ‘How can I get to the other side?’
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
‘You ARE on the other side.’

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
‘Impossible!’ says the doctor.. ‘Show me.’
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?
‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’
‘I thought so,’ the doctor said, ‘Your finger is broken.’

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’
‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’
The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’
The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied,
‘We’re not stupid, you know.
We’re going at night!’

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night…It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’
She thought for a time and then asked,
‘Is it on or off?’

And FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

NEW DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying,
“that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.”
Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’
‘HELLLOOOOOOO……,’ answered the blonde.
‘They’re watch dogs!’

clip art

Image

A Mexican Navy Seal

a small dog in scuba gear

Mexican Navy Seal

Teethy Smiley

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